Advice

Breathe babe.
Cry, let it all out.
This is the advice that I get all the time. It is also the advice I give, it's the most affective advice to give... sometimes.
I was taking notes on a book that I was going to present to my Non-Fiction class. The book was Letters to a Young Poet, they were all letters to a man from Rainer Maria Rilke. In these letters he gives the man (Mr. Kappas) different forms of advice for all different topics. Going back and reading my notes, I went off about advice. I mean, I completely left the topic of the book. Rilke gave this man such in depth advice. His thoughts on love regarding this mans life took up almost four pages. It is wordy, well thought out. Sometimes, as I wrote in my notebook, this is the best advice. Because even though it will take you more than a second to hear it, and it is not two words long, it gets you thinking. Thinking is the best thing to do when you have no idea where to turn or what to do next. Wordy advice makes you wade through the sentences, pick them up and examine them. Maybe dust them off and find their true meanings. This will eventually bring you to an answer, even if it is not the same answer the words are spelling out before you. It still got you to think.
There are sometimes, that all I will say is
I love you, and I always will. No matter what, I am here for you.
And that is all I need sometimes. But I will go swimming in words every once in a while ;)

Cross One Off the List

Tonight has been one of those nights. You know, those nights where everything is slowly coming to a close and you are getting closer to seeing the people you love most in the world. Yea, that's me... right now. I was just on one of my best friends myspace page, because I miss her. And she wrote this blog on it that I had never read before (I actually hadn't read any of them). When I read it, I got tears in my eyes. It was like a survey counting up to ten. Like "name one person you want to see right now" and then next one something like "name two things you should be doing right now". Those types of things. She had filled this out about three months before we met. One of the things was "name eight things that you want to do before you die". One of her answers was "Save someone's life". I teared up because I don't think she realizes that she has done that. I don't know if she even remembers writing that blog. She didn't know that three months later, she would meet me. And that she would eventually become one of the people I love and need most in this world. She knows exactly what to say to me if I call her crying, or if I don't think that I will ever be able to breathe again. Some how, not only does she get me to breathe, she gets me to laugh while doing it. She has saved me so many times, and adding those all together, she has helped to save my life. Without her I would not be who I am today. I wouldn't have half the confidence in my writing and in myself. I wouldn't smile as much as I do. And I honestly wouldn't know that there was someone in the world that cared enough to learn everything about me. She could order my coffee for me if I'm too stubborn to get anything (which happens a lot...), and she knows exactly who I am.
I think it is amazing to have someone who has no idea that they mean so much. It's something good. She is so humble that she has no idea that she has saved me. I love that. I could tell her and she would tell me I was crazy and that it was ALL of my girls. Which it was, but she is the one that knows me the best. If she reads this, it is guaranteed that she will think it is about someone else.
I am luck to have her. And I hope she does read this. She is my angel. <3 :D

Rebel

I still remember the smell of my grandfathers black and red flannel shirts. They were a mix of cigarette smoke and pine trees. When I would hug him, my face would come up to just over the top of his rounded belly. He reminded me of Santa Claus... if Santa was from New Hampshire. His beard would tickle the skin on my face as he bent down to kiss me goodbye when ever I left his house. He always had tootsie rolls, always. They were hidden in his pockets or in a tin on his dresser. He taught me how to swing a golf club, and how to laugh so deeply that my sides ached for days. He taught me the meaning of a smile, and what the warmth of another hand on yours feels like. Although I cannot remember what his voice sounds like, I will always remember what it felt like to have him smile down on me. Just to know he was there and proud of everything I was doing meant the world to me. Everytime I hear the high speed noise of a NASCAR race on TV, or eat a tootise roll, or see horses, or think of the south, I feel him. I feel him protecting me on lonely walks home. I feel him laugh when I make a joke, and smile when I do something that I am proud of. I wish he could have been there to see me graduate high school. I wish he could see me graduate college, get married, hold my children when I have them. I wish I could have said goodbye to him. I wish I could have told him one last time that I loved him. I wish I was given that chance. But since people decided to take that away from me, I celebrate him even more everyday.

Who can say for certain

Maybe you're still here

I feel you all around me

Your memories so clear

Deep in the stillness

I can hear you speak

You're still an inspiration

Can it be

That you are mine

Forever love

And you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are

Beyond the distant star I wish upon tonight

To see you smile

If only for awhile to know you're there

A breath away's not far

To where you are

~Josh Groban

R.I.P. Harold Carpenter I love you with all my heart and soul. Forever and ever.

A Dance Yet To Be Had

I once sat on the edge of a bed listening to a song playing from the computer across from me. My father was sitting on the stool next to me. He informed me that this was the song that he wanted to be our father-daughter dance at my wedding. Since I didn't even have a boyfriend, it shocked me that he was thinking about it at all. And the fact that he was a father, and usually that means you wouldn't want to think about your oldest daughter getting married. Tears formed in my eyes as I listened to Martina McBride sing...

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero

I am strong and wise and I know no fear

But the truth is plain to see

She was sent to rescue me

I see who I wanna be

In my daughter's eyes

I heard that song tonight, right after I had watched a father and daughter dance on stage. I had laid my head on one of my best friends at Lesley and told her that it depressed me to watch this. And for the first time, when I heard that song, I didn't cry. I saw the falsities and heard the words. I haven't met some of my heroes, and the ones I have met are my friends. One of them being the one who let me tell her that a happy dance depressed me. They are the ones reflected in my eyes. I found myself asking questions. If I was sent to rescue my father, than how did I fail so terribly? Who did he see in my eyes, if he saw what he wanted to be? How could this song relate to our "relationship"? Would I have a father-daughter dance at my wedding? Or would it be replaced by the best friend dance?

Seeing Red

25 million people have died of AIDs worldwide since 1981.
Ireland and Australia combined still come up and little shy of reaching this number. Can you imagine if there were no more Ireland? No Guiness, no politically incorrect Irish jokes, no Emerald Isle. What about Australia? No more down under to make puns about, no more attractive actors and actresses with beautiful accents, no more gorgeous landscapes. How about this. 25 million people. They are gone. They were mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, best friends.
On World AIDs Day, people are brought together to remember these people. They come together to help fight this horrific epidemic from ravaging 25 million more lives. It is up to us to help find a cure. To help raise awareness about this disease.

I'm wearing red and walking for the fight against AIDs, what are you doing?

It's a First!

So this is my first blog. A lot of people have been surprised that I don't already have one. I tend to write a lot. That's what I want to do for a living. Write, travel, and do service. I would love to join the Peace Corps, once I graduate from Lesley, and go to South Africa. That has been one of my dreams for about six years now.
So... to state the obvious, this past week was the week of Thanksgiving. I went home from school to visit my family and see my friends. I never really got to tell anyone that I was thankful for them. I guess with my family it's kind of an unspoken things. They don't do the mushy stuff. And the other thing is it's kind of cliche to send someone a text saying "I'm thankful to have you in my life". But I want to say it. I want to reach out to my best friends (even though they have heard it a million times) and say how much I love them and how much they mean to me. I want to tell them how they have saved me. I want to tell my family that I am thankful to have them, even if they do make fun of me all the time. It's what every human being should do around now. So here we go...
I love you. I always will. You know that. I will never leave your life, please never leave mine. I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't met you all.
More to come <3